Broken Toys
by neko no warai
Summary: “Matt’s like... a child holding his favourite toy. If he doesn’t keep readjusting his grip, he thinks the toy will disappear.” --So what's Tai? The toy that will soon become irreparable. //Yamachi.//
1. Chapter 1

Summary: "Matt's like... a child hold his favourite toy. If he doesn't keep readjusting his grip, he thinks the toy will disappear." --So what's Tai? The toy that will soon become irreparable. //Yamachi.//

Words: 858

Notes: See footnotes at end ^^ This is a rather angsty story (which is normal for me...), and will, of course, contain BoyxBoy (Yamachi).

**Broken Toys**

**::: Prologue : Wait for Me :::**

(Matt's POV)

I wish you wouldn't wait for me.

It's always the same. We both know where I go at night—who I go to—and yet, you're always waiting for me to come back home. No matter how late I stay out, you're always right there, a warm dinner ready and a bright grin on your face. I try to smile back, but we both know it's full of guilt. We both know it's not good enough. Still, with those terribly sad bad eyes of yours, you silently tell me you forgive me. Every time. Even when I come back so late that you've made breakfast instead of supper.

I _really_ wish you wouldn't wait for me. That when I left to see someone else, you would look angry or accusing. I wish you would tell me to make a choice, or at least to stop. But you never do. You just stand there with knowing eyes and a bright, forgiving smile. I wonder what you would do if I told you... I mean, of course you've figured it out, but would it change anything to hear it from me? Or would you just smile that same smile and say, "I know."

If I knew that you wouldn't be waiting for me back home, I wouldn't feel so terrible when I go out. I might even be able to tell you that I've grown bored with our relationship. It's funny, isn't it? You were always the one seeking adventures and change. I was the one who was too afraid to love someone because I feared they'd leave. And yet, I'm the one who left. Then again, maybe that's not funny, is it? Not when I know how much it hurts you.

I still love you, you know. I still love that you wait for me. I just wish you wouldn't. I wish you wouldn't put up with me by sacrificing yourself. I would rather you tell me you hate me, so that leaving you every night doesn't make me feel so damn guilty. I wish you'd act more like you cared that I left...

"Yamato?" a voice asks me. A voice that is sweet and playful, but not yours.

With a sigh, I let go of my thoughts to look at the man I happened to be with today, "Yeah? What's up?"

"You just seemed pretty out of it, that's all."

"Sorry."

The man looks at me, but I get the feeling he doesn't really see me. Not like you.

"I don't think this is working, Yamato," the man tells me. I shrug; they usually only last a few weeks, so I'm used to it. "I mean, you're always thinking about _him_! I know you wanted two relationships, but I don't even think I'm _that_ to you! I'm like your distraction, or something."

See, I wish you'd say something like that to me, so I could get angry and no longer feel so wretched. But you never do. I don't know if it's because you really love me, or because you really don't care. No... you wouldn't wait if you didn't care, right? You're not like these side guys that I use as an escape. But what am I even escaping from? Why don't I stay with you, if it feels so bad to leave? Why—

"Yamato!"

Oops, I'd forgotten about the man again. After a moment, I answer. "No, you're right. This isn't working out." And then I pull up my pants, button my shirt, and leave. I don't bother to see how the guys takes it. I don't really care. Instead, I'm going home. Home to where you'll be waiting for me, that same smile on your face. My stomach ties itself in knots just thinking about it.

As I expected, when I opened our front door, you looked up from your spot on the couch and smiled.

"Welcome home, Yama."

"Tai," I whisper, your name slipping out in a much more pleading way than I intended. I know you realise it too, because your eyes soften even further and you stand up to hug me.

"Are you hungry?" You ask me, still not letting me go. Your voice is so soft and caring...

To the question, I shake my head, "I ate already." I hate that you care so much. That no matter how many times I turn down your supper, you always make another.

I hate that you nod understandingly and say, "Okay."

I push away from you gently and you don't protest. You still have that soft smile. Like no matter how much it hurts, you're happy just to see me.

With a deep breath, I ask the same question I do every night, "Will you be waiting tomorrow?"

And just like always, your smile grows, and you say, "Yes." Then you kiss me once—more to reassure me than yourself, I think—and disappear into the kitchen to put away the meal you'd made for me. By then, I'm already in our room.

I wish you wouldn't wait for me.

But maybe...

Maybe I never want your answer to that question to change.

*

* * *

Footnotes: There is another part to this (the main part, actually) but I didn't know whether or not to post it. I figured I could post this prologue first, and then if people like it, I can post the second part ^^ Regardless, reviews are always greatly appreciated~!


	2. Broken Toys

**Summary**: "Matt's like... a child holding his favourite toy. If he doesn't keep readjusting his grip, he thinks the toy will disappear." -So what's Tai? The toy that will soon become irreparable. What will it take for things to be made right? And is there really any way to go back to the beginning?

**Words**: 8,300

**Notes**: sorry this took so long to get posted u.u I'd forgotten why I don't like writing things on paper first (even though it does give me the chance to fix it up as I type it up). This is a rather long one-shot and I hope you enjoy ^^ If you like it, please tell me (then I know what kinds of things to post, and what kinds of things to keep locked up in my documents~!)

**OoO**

**Broken Toys**

The phone was ringing.

Very loud, and very annoying. If it was in reach, Tai would have grabbed it and thrown it at the wall. But it wasn't in reach, and it was still ringing incessantly. With a groan, he pushed back his bed covers and rolled onto the floor, crawling over to what he currently considered to be "Man's worst invention." Half-asleep and in no mood to talk, he fumbled for the phone.

When he'd found the 'talk' button, he sleepily put it to his ear, "Moshi moshi."

"_Excuse me_?" A woman's voice said. In English.

Tai groaned once more—he'd forgotten they were currently in America. Thinking it was much too early, he switched to English, "_Sorry. May I ask who's calling?_"

"_I'm looking for Mr. Ishida. Is this the right number?"_

'That doesn't really answer my question,' Tai thought vaguely, telling the lady that, yes, this was the right number and if she'd wait a moment, he would get the other on the phone.

Which led to him crawling back to the bed to wake his boyfriend up. He started small—a little poke, a gentle nudge—but his patience quickly ran out and he simply shoved the other off the bed. He heard a yelp and grinned, climbing into the warm spot left between the bed and the blanket. He could still feel the body heat left behind...

"Tai! What was that for?"

"Phone," Tai answered, voice nearly unintelligible through his tiredness and the thick blanket. Within moments, he would be back asleep, and when he next woke there wouldn't be a warm body lying next to him. He listened as Matt stood and got the phone. Just as he expected, it was a business call. After hearing Matt say "I'll be there in a few minutes", Tai just let sleep take him away.

It was too early to think.

The last thing he remembered of that morning was Matt saying goodbye.

**oOoOoOo**

It was past noon that saw Tai finally get out of bed on his own accord. He didn't know why he was bothering to do so—Matt wouldn't be home for at least 6 hours—but he threw on clothes anyway and went about getting ready for the day.

Tai looked at himself in the mirror dismally. "We'd better not have company today," he grumbled. His voice was almost loud in the silence of an empty hotel room. After studying his messy image a while longer—old torn jeans, a baggy shirt, hair that looked like something the cat dragged in—before deciding he might as well clean their hotel. It wasn't the kind of job he liked, but it killed time.

"Besides," he said aloud, picking up the pile of dirty laundry he'd gathered, "Yama doesn't like it to be a mess." It was thoughts like these that spurred Tai on. A useless hope that his boyfriend would notice, would come home early.

Unconsciously, he gripped the clothes tighter, silently scolding himself for even getting onto that train of thought. It wouldn't do to get all emotional before the cleaning was done, because then he'd never get anywhere. Again.

But once the dam is broken, there's no repairing it.

And it hurt like hell.

**oOoOoOo**

"Hey Matt, we're glad you made it."

Matt sighed, looking up from his coffee to his music producer, "It's my day off, so I'm hoping for your sake that this is important."

"It is! It is!" His producer hastened to assure him, "It's about Watari."

"If he went out and ruined his voice by drinking too much again—"

"No, no, not that. It's a different kind of problem. You know about his girlfriend, right?"

Matt raised a mocking eyebrow, "Doesn't everyone?"

The producer thought for a moment, then shrugged, "Well, yeah, but now something's gone wrong in their relationship."

"They broke up?"

"Kind of. He caught her cheating on him. Now, of course he loves her, but..."

Matt zoned out; the situation was hitting very close to home. He didn't want to hear how Watari needed to dump his girlfriend and move on. It was like saying Tai should do the same—which Matt knew was true, but couldn't bear to imagine. How did their relationship turn out this way?

**oOoOoOo**

Unbeknownst to the blond, Tai was thinking the same thing as he tried to bury himself deeper into the couch. How did this happen to them?

They'd started out so perfectly! Their feelings had been there for a long, long time, and then Matt wrote that song... the one meant only for Tai. Meant to show him just how he felt. That had been the happiest day of Tai's life. Of course, their relationship wasn't ever calm. It was always so full of arguing and passion and love. They'd do things like sneak out of school to spend the day together. Life had been so dream-like...

But things changed. Matt's band went international, something Tai had been very proud of, and Tai was forced to make a choice; his promising career in soccer, or his love. Well, it wasn't so much of a choice in the end, no matter how much he liked soccer too. Perhaps he was just young and foolish, but nothing could rival his love for Matt. He never told his boyfriend, of course. That would only have made him feel guilty. He just said that he was bumped off the team for better players. From there, he just stayed contently by Matt's side.

It was okay for a while. It felt kind of lousy to be jobless and depending on Matt, but he tried to make up for it with every fibre of his being. Their relationship seemed strong. They still got in petty arguments that led to the most love-filled make-up sessions. They still existed solely for each other. Until Matt started staying out late.

Tai had been _furious_. Furious, because he knew what Matt was doing on those late nights. Furious because it seemed he wasn't good enough for the blond. He had been ready to confront his cheating boyfriend, but then...

_It_ happened.

Matt came home drunk. That night, Tai figured everything out. He listened to drunken confessions and pieced the truth together. _I don't want our relationship to be like my father's_, he'd said. _I don't want you to leave._ His words alone didn't mean half as much as his sincerity and his desperate face.

From then on, Tai just resigned himself to waiting. He couldn't find it in himself to get mad at Matt any more. So he just waited. Waited for the day that Matt realised he wasn't leaving. That their relationship didn't have to fall apart like all the others in Matt's life. He waited for his love, just like he waited every night for the other to come home. Just like he was waiting now.

Tai tried to curl into a ball, tried to be comforted by the soft cloth of the couch. But it was getting harder. He still loved Matt—endlessly, even—and he knew Matt still loved him too, but he couldn't stand this forever! He hated being alone. Hated knowing his boyfriend could be with another at this very moment. But most of all, he hated that he wasn't good enough.

Why couldn't things go back to the way they were?

Then the phone rang. Again. Tai absolutely hated it at that moment. He would have ignored it, but there was always the nagging worry that someone he cared about could be in danger. So, drawing as much strength as he could, Tai bravely faced the phone.

"_Hello_?"

"Tai!"

Tai blinked, recognising the voice instantly, "Oh, hey Kar." Looks like his efforts at speaking in English were in unneeded...

"Why haven't you been answering my calls?"

Tai winced guiltily; he'd been avoiding a lot of things lately. "It's just been busy here, that's all."

"Tai, who do you think I am? That never stopped you before!"

This time, Tai didn't even bother to answer. Already, the strength he'd gathered was gone. Kari had a way of digging so far into him that it was impossible to escape. She already knew everything anyway, what was the point? Oh, right, so she wouldn't worry.

He heard his sister sigh, "How bad is it then?"

"It's not," Tai lied, trying to keep his tone light.

"Tai! Why do you put up with it?"

"He needs me, and I love him."

"But—"

Tai stopped his sister before she went into another lecture, "I put up with it because I know where it's coming from. Matt's like... a child holding a favourite toy. If he doesn't keep readjusting his grip, he thinks the toy will disappear."

"So what? You're just going to let him use you? Until all of his 'readjusting' breaks you? Then what? Do you really think the best way to make him realise you're not leaving is to just wait until you're in pieces?" His sister was definitely angry. Tai wasn't sure if he could blame her.

"I won't break, Kar," he almost whispered, "Not unless he stops loving me."

With that he hung up the phone, because he could feel what little bit of the dam he had left crumbling. His biggest fear, after all, was that all of this waiting would be in vain. That Matt would come home one day and end the relationship. He could feel that terrible pain coming back. Those terrible doubts...

**oOoOoOo**

Kari sighed miserably, the dial tone ringing in her ear. She wanted to be with her brother! She wanted to see for herself how bad things had gotten, and smack some sense into that thick skull! But she couldn't. Tai was currently across the world, far out of Kari's 15-year-old reach. Still, she needed to check on him somehow...

Suddenly, she slammed the phone down on the receiver, only to pick it up seconds later and dial a number she thought she'd forgotten. Patiently, she waited, listening to the ringing.

Then; "Hello?"

"Hey Mimi. I was wondering if you could help me out..."

**oOoOoOo**

Slowly, Tai forced himself off the couch, mumbling incoherently about how it felt as if there were little dwarves running around in his head with jack hammers, trying to rip him apart like he was a road. And yet, even that was nothing compared to the torment in his heart. Disinterestedly, he looked down at the unwashed pile of clothes. They would have to wait—he was hoping Matt would be home soon. So, in preparation of this highly anticipated event, he went about figuring out what to make for supper. He was getting pretty good at this cooking thing.

Looking through the fridge, all he could see were leftovers. They were a testament to how often his wonderful meals ended up being eaten.

"I'll have to get rid of them soon..." Tai mused to himself, a little dejected at having to waste perfectly good food. Back in Japan—where Tai knew what he was doing—he used to bring any unfinished food to a shelter for homeless children. It just felt a whole lot better than dumping it in the garbage.

But now they were living in a hotel in America, as they had been for the last two weeks. Tai had adamantly refused room service ("If we're going to live here, then we're going to treat it like a home! Have you ever seen maids at my home?") so he responsibly took on the burden of cleaning. It was a good thing they'd only been there for a relatively short time, or the fridge would be _all_ leftovers.

Just thinking about it made Tai's stomach growl pleadingly, refusing to be ignored. The problem was that it just didn't feel right eating without Matt. In fact, it didn't feel right to do _anything_ without Matt. He had to, of course. If he got sick or something, it would create problems. Or maybe it was because he was afraid that if he got sick, still nothing would change.

How long had it been since he and Matt and done anything together besides sleep?

Tai didn't bother trying to figure it out; his head already hurt. Instead, he continued with his supper-making. He just hoped Matt would be home soon...

**oOoOoOo**

Matt sighed for the umpteenth time. In his hands lay an abandoned drink. He'd ordered it, but never got around to doing anything more. Around him, people were dancing to the lively beat of the music (well... "dancing" didn't accurately describe what the people were doing...). It was a very loud bar. He'd come to escape—what was he escaping from, again?—after being told that he did have the day off work after all, and that he basically went in to work for nothing.

Unfortunately, nothing in the bar interested him. His mind had wandered far away, back to the one waiting for him back home. He knew that he should go back—he was bored anyway—but the more he thought about it, the more he felt like he didn't have the _right_ to go back. How could he, when he was such a coward? How could he face those forgiving eyes?

"Heya hottie. Are you just gonna sit there all night or do you wanna dance?"

Today, it was a girl he'd attracted. Well, that was fine. Anything to make him forget for a while. He didn't go home that night.

Tai didn't sleep that night.

**oOoOoOo**

Someone was knocking at the door. Tai slowly looked up, eyes dark with exhaustion. Why would Matt knock?

Shakily, the young man—at least, he'd like to think of himself as such, because he is indeed 19 years old—pushed himself onto his feet, head spinning. He took a moment to steady himself, focussing on the sudden weight lifted off his heart instead of the pain still throbbing behind his eyes. His love was home, after all. Even if it was nearly noon.

With those thoughts putting a smile on his face, he finally pulled open the door to their hotel room.

And just like that, his light heart grew heavy. It most certainly was _not_ his blond boyfriend standing outside the door. Tai tried to force his sleep-deprived brain to put a name to the face he was seeing, because he was sure he'd seen it before. It was a pretty face—nothing compared to Matt's, of course—framed with well-cared-for pink hair and sparkling with makeup.

"Hey Tai," the girl said brightly. Finally, things clicked in his mind and brown eyes were wide open.

"Mimi?"

The girl laughed, "Well, duh! Who'd you think I was?"

_Matt..._ Tai thought longingly, trying not to let it show on his face. No, he had to be happy or people would worry. He smiled cheerfully, "You'd be surprised how many people have pink hair here."

Mimi rolled her eyes, shamelessly inviting herself into the hotel. "I guess that's what happens when you become a pop idol." It wasn't a boast—that really _was_ what happened. Tai understood this quite well, considering his boyfriend produced the same effects, even though he'd retired from the band. But no, he shouldn't think about Matt...

Fishing for a different topic, Tai could only blurt out, "So, why are you here?"

Mimi paused in her thorough inspection of the room to turn serious honey brown eyes onto her friend, "I was just thinking about you, that's all." It was a lie, but Tai didn't want to dig any deeper and possibly put himself in a vulnerable situation.

He only shrugged, "Okay. Umm... did you want breakfast or something?" It was a pretty poor attempt at a distraction...

"Breakfast? I had that hours ago! You can't seriously be telling me that you still don't get up before noon!"

"Yeah, something like that," Tai laughed nervously. It was best that she didn't know... "Well, it's already made, if you want it."

"Why?" By the time she'd said that, she had already hunted down the kitchen. "Holy crap, Tai! How much does your room service cost? This looks awesome!"

"Good!" said Tai earnestly, elated by the compliment, "I'm glad someone will eat it!"

Mimi froze, and Tai suddenly realised his mistake when he was faced with reproachful eyes. "Why won't _you_ eat it?"

"I'm waiting for Matt." Light, casual; a complete understatement.

"Why? What if he doesn't get home until evening?"

Those words hit Tai harder than any physical blow ever could. They stole his breath away and sent his heart racing. Matt _had_ to come home! He just _had_ to! Tai couldn't live without him! He couldn't keep waiting for a love that was never returning!

"Tai?" Mimi whispered, frightened to see her friend's wide-eyed stare. Something was definitely wrong. "...do you want to have breakfast with me?"

But Tai was already shaking his head, "No, I'll wait. He'll be home soon." Whether or not that was true, he didn't care. He just needed to hear it out loud before his calm shattered.

Mimi took that cue that it was time for her to leave, and started towards the door, "Alright. I've got a shoot anyway, so I guess I should be going."

"Yeah," Tai agreed softly, eyes distant, "Work is important, after all. You should get to that."

"..." The girl hesitated a moment before drawing a deep breath, "Hey Tai? If you ever... if you can't wait for him any longer, you can always tell me or the guys. You know we'd help."

"I know." But it didn't change a thing. Tai had already committed to waiting as long he knew Matt still loved him.

"Well... see ya."

"Bye."

When Mimi walked out, Tai's last restraint went with her.

"I won't break," he whispered, but his voice was already broken. Sure, he'd be fine as long as Matt loved him...

But why couldn't the blond come home to prove that?

**oOoOoOo**

"Hey Kari."

"Mimi! How'd it go?"

"...not great."

"What do you mean?"

"I think it's pretty bad, Kari. And I don't think Tai will ever walk away from that relationship."

An anguished sound came through the phone, "Then we have to do something!"

"Like what? I think we'd only hurt him more if we tore them apart."

"I know that! But... maybe Matt doesn't know what he's doing."

Mimi paused to think this over, a sceptical look on her face. "It seemed pretty obvious to me."

"Trust me with this."

"Okay. Then what next?"

"It's time we show the child that his toy is broken before it's beyond repair."

Mimi had no clue what the younger girl was talking about, but she would find out.

**oOoOoOo**

"You were pretty good, you know. A little rough, but I like 'em that way. You sure you don't want to make this long term?"

Matt looked back at the woman with barely hidden disgust. Oh, not towards her, but towards himself. He was disgusted with how weak he'd become. How desperate. How much he wanted to avoid going home and facing the problem.

Still, he definitely did _not_ want another twisted relationship to manage.

"Sorry, but no."

He walked out the door without another look back, just catching the girl's last words; "It's a shame all the hot ones are gay."

The blond figured he'd just heard things wrong.

Matt wandered aimlessly down the street, not caring where he went as long as it wasn't the hotel. How could he go back there after he'd stayed away all night? Again. The last time he'd done that, it was almost impossible to pretend that he hadn't hurt Tai. The other had been so absolutely loving and forgiving, but the pain was still obvious in tired brown eyes.

Matt didn't want to see that again.

"I can't avoid him forever," Matt mumbled to himself, kicking an errant stone out of his way angrily. He might have followed the stone just to kick it again if it weren't for the familiar tune humming through the front pocket of his jeans.

~_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, love's going to leave_~ A regretful smile rose to Matt's lips. The song brought back memories of the time their relationship wasn't killing them both. Back when Tai resorted to playful things to get attention, like stealing Matt's phone and changing the ring tone to something ridiculous.

The buzzing got louder and more insistent until finally, Matt took it from his pocket and flipped it open. Without thinking, he answered it, no longer caring who was calling, or why they bothered.

"Matt Ishida."

"Yamato?"

**oOoOoOo**

Tai stared at the phone in his hand, thumb hovering over the "call" button. His other hand was wrapped desperately around his stomach as if it would hold himself together. His mind hadn't been able to get over that terrible fear that Matt no longer loved him. It hadn't been able to come up with its standard excuses. Instead, Mimi's words kept repeating and repeating...

_What if he doesn't get home?_

Just the thought sent his heart racing painfully, his blood running cold. It was that fear that made him reach for the phone and dial Matt's number. All he wanted was one second—just one moment—of hearing his love's voice. Just one reassurance.

But he hesitated. There was no single, concrete reason. It was more like a nagging thought or worry. He didn't want to take the chance that, if he called, Matt would confirm his fears. That he might not get reassurance at all, but the final blow.

A lone tear trailed down his tanned cheek as Tai gently put down the phone.

When had he stopped believing in their relationship?

**oOoOoOo**

"Yamato?"

"Wha-Mimi?" Matt was surprised to hear the voice of a friend that he hadn't seen in almost a year. He didn't think anyone other than Tai and his band-mates had his cell phone number—it was a temporary phone after all. How did the pink-haired model get it?

"Hey! I haven't talked to you in, like, forever!"

Realising that the girl was waiting for a reply, Matt quickly mumbled, "I've been busy."

"Making it big with your band? I've heard your songs on the radio! All the girls I work with absolutely adore you!"

"That's, uh, nice?"

"Of course it's nice," Mimi huffed.

Matt felt a headache coming on from listening to the girl's bubbly voice. And possibly from too little sleep and too much going 'out'. He couldn't quite keep the annoyance from his voice when he asked, "What do you want?"

The girl sighed, "You're still the same, cold Yamato. It just so happens that I'm in your area, and I wanted to go out for coffee or tea or something."

Warning bells were going off in the blond's head; if he met with Mimi, she'd ask about Tai. She always loved to know what was going on in everyone else's life.

"I don't have much time—"

"Don't make me track you down through GPS, Yamato. Koushirou taught me how to do it."

Matt ran a hand through unshowered bangs, "I guess..."

"Great! You know the Woodstock Café?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Let's meet there at noon!"

Matt was left with only the dial tone to keep him company when the other hung up. He shut his phone, arms feeling too heavy for his body. It was like all the life had been sucked out of him, replaced by guilt and paranoia.

**oOoOoOo**

The Woodstock café was not a place Matt went to often. It was bright, bouncy, and all around the opposite of relaxing. The main colour scheme was yellow—which Tai had once told him was because of a certain famous yellow bird—and everything inside was _cute_. An absolute headache.

Matt might have turned and ran for it if something hadn't just latched onto his back.

"Yamato! I've missed you so much!"

For a moment, his heart skipped a beat, tender memories of Tai doing the same thing coming to his mind. Then he groaned, regretting having come at all. This girl was too much to deal with on a poor night's sleep.

"Well?" The pink-haired model voiced impatiently, "Aren't you gonna say you missed me too?"

"No," he said indifferently, the harsh truth evident in his voice.

Mimi shut her mouth, letting go of her friend in order to look him in the eye, "You've changed, Yamato. You haven't been this cold since Tai put blue hair dye in your shampoo."

Something deep inside the blond snapped—why was it always about Tai? His thoughts couldn't escape from the brunet, and now neither could his conversations! Was there some god taking revenge on him for being such a terrible boyfriend? Some force giving him what he deserved?

But Mimi just went on as if there wasn't a tornado ripping through Matt's mind, "I guess I can understand why you're a statue again, though. Tai seemed pretty messed up when I went to see him. I would be exhausted too if I had to deal with my boyfriend's issues. Couldn't figure out what was wrong with him though..."

Far away, the crest of sincerity dimmed. Even if it's in a friend's best interest, a lie is a lie.

Matt, of course, wasn't aware of that. All he picked out from her speech was that Tai was in a bad enough of a state for other people to notice. And, that...

"You went to our hotel room?"

Mimi shrugged, "Sure. The address was easier to get than your new mobile number."

At the moment, the blond wanted just one thing—to curl up into a corner and die. Escape from the women and the men he used. Away from the prying eyes of friends, away from the one he continually hurt. If even Mimi had noticed Tai's pain, Matt knew the damage was irreparable. Wouldn't it be better to leave before he shredded the other's soul entirely?

Outwardly, Matt sighed, "How bad was he?"

A flash of anger flittered in the girl's eyes, but it was gone before Matt had noticed. She had to play this cool, like she didn't know, or else Matt would get defensive and run. "Well, for starters, he wouldn't eat. He just kind of stood around and stared at things. I was thinking maybe he's bored without a job or anything to keep him busy."

Matt frowned, a stab of fear making its way into his chest. Not eating?

Again, the pink-haired girl shrugged, figuratively tossing off the topic. "I guess you probably knew anyway. So what about my coffee?"

_Coffee_! Matt seethed to himself, _you can't just change the subject like that!_

So he deliberately brought it back.

"Did he seem sick?"

"Huh?"

"Tai! Did he seem sick? If he's not eating..."

Mimi gave her friend a funny look, "Sure he seemed sick, but more like his spirit was sick and his body just followed along, you know?"

The blond's heart began to beat erratically. He didn't really know how much his brunet meant to him anymore, or if there was any hope for their relationship, but suddenly, it didn't matter. Tai simply _couldn't_ get sick. If he was hurt physically too, Matt wouldn't be able to handle the guilt! And deep, _deep_ down, the blond knew he wouldn't be able to live without the other.

As if this unconscious thought was prodding him, Matt stood up abruptly. "I have to go."

**oOoOoOo**

"It's done, Kari."

"Is he gonna go home?"

"He seemed shaken up."

A sigh. "Good. Then there's still hope. I don't know what I would do if there wasn't." There was a waver in the girl's voice that spoke volumes of how worried she was about her brother. "I guess I should do my job, then."

"Why exactly do you have to call Tai again?"

"We need to make sure that the toy is in the worst looking condition possible when the child finds him."

This time, Mimi could hear Kari's silent sobs as clear as day.

**oOoOoOo**

He was cleaning again, concentrating all of his attention on the washcloth in his hand. He rubbed slowly and deliberately, lathering soap on the already clean glass. When he was done that, he ran a light stream of water over it, banishing the suds one by one. His hands were numb, frozen from the steady flow of cold water, but still he continued to rinse. As long as not a single thought could be processed.

Apart from the running water, the hotel was completely silent. It was so silent, in fact, that when the phone rang, Tai jumped so badly he dropped the glass in hand. It hit the floor with an equally silence-shattering sound, leaving Tai standing there, stunned. His heartbeat had skyrocketed. His hands were no longer steady.

The phone rang again, demanding.

Tai looked down at the shattered remains of the hotel room's glass with a mix of exhaustion and anger. Somehow, he'd have to explain that to Matt—when had it become so hard to talk to the other?

As if annoyed by Tai's disregard, the phone started ringing even louder.

"All right! All right! I'll get it!" Carefully picking his way through the tiny daggers, Tai finally reached the phone, wishing it had caller ID (never mind that it was the hotel's).

Steeling himself, Tai picked it up, "Hello?"

"Tai! We have to talk!"

The boy in question groaned, "Kari, I've already talked. Nothing's changed."

"That's my point! Something has to change, or I'm sending someone to get you! Don't think I won't!"

"You won't," Tai said flatly, "I don't want to go, so you won't force me."

An exhale of breath, "No, I won't. But think about it, Tai. Please. He doesn't talk to you anymore—"

"Yes he does! He—"

"He's hardly ever home."

"That's not—"

"He hasn't noticed how much he's hurting you."

"Maybe he—"

"And if he did, then he doesn't care enough to do anything! Why do you insist on letting him _use_ you like that? Why can't you see that it won't work out?"

"Because he still needs me," he answered with a weak voice, "He's just scared that I'll leave when things go wrong."

"Or maybe, Tai, he's just waiting for you to end the relationship for him, so he doesn't have to feel bad about it." The words were almost spoken with venom, and as soon as they'd been spat out, the call ended in a dial tone.

It seemed to resonate in Tai's frozen heart, freshly cut open by those words. Brown eyes were wide and confused, and in some small part of him, anger began to fester. It cursed with a sailor's vocabulary. It shrieked louder than a dying siren. It engulfed his entire being faster than an F5 tornado.

Tai's fist clenched.

"What does she know anyway?" He whispered, because part of that anger was towards his sister's sharp words.

"And why doesn't he come home?" Because another part was mad at his oblivious boyfriend.

Furious eyes turned towards the fragments of glass, where his reflection grimaced back at him. If they could, the shards would have shrank back at the glare they were being given.

Because most of the anger was towards himself.

"Stupid glass, stupid broken dishwasher. Who needs clean dishes?" To emphasize his point, he strode straight through the minefield and grabbed an innocent glass, letting it slip through his fingers to join the first all over the floor. A frightening feeling of satisfaction coursed through his body.

"If he would—" _crash_! "just come home—" _shatter_! "once -_crash_- in -_crash_- a while!"

There were no glasses left to throw by the time Tai was breathing heavily, and no more satisfaction at having thrown them. All that was left was emptiness, accompanied by the cold, harsh truth.

Tai sank to the ground, heedless of the shards of glass entirely. "Now I have more to explain," he whispered to himself with a broken laugh, which quickly turned into a heart-wrenching sob.

After all, maybe Matt wouldn't even care.

**oOoOoOo**

Though he had left café in a hurry with every intention on running home to make sure Tai was okay, Matt's steps faltered within moments. He wanted to make things right again, but how could he? Compared to his lover, he was weak. He'd made the mess in the first place, and had never tried to fix it. Did he even have a right to go back to Tai?

But then, Tai had never said anything...

_Was I just supposed to guess or something? What ever happened to telling each other everything?_ He thought angrily. This anger soon gave way to guilt as he remembered it was_ he_ was being unfaithful and secretive, not his boyfriend. He'd just never asked.

_Maybe we were doomed from the start_...Matt stood still, frozen in his uncertainty. He wanted things to be fixed, but he didn't feel strong enough to make the first move. He wanted Tai to be free, but he couldn't bring himself to let him go. He wanted Tai to act more like he cared, but he already knew just how much he _had_ to care for people like Mimi to have noticed.

Groaning, Matt put his head in his hands. He'd just run his mind in circles and came to no conclusion. He was about to give up and simply collapse when that familiar mocking song rang out.

~_I'm too sexy— _~ Matt hastily grabbed the phone and flipped it over, before the song could get any farther.

He steadied his voice before answering with a simple, "Hello?"

"Is this Yamato Ishida?" a man asked in accented English, obviously a native speaker by the way he butchered Matt's Japanese name.

"Yes," Matt replied hesitantly.

"This is Mr. Banks of Royal Inn hotels. There have been reports of strange noises coming from your room. It sounds like heavy fighting has been going on, perhaps a robbery. Would you like security to check on it?"

Matt stood frozen to the ground, trying to process the words and what could possibly be going on. "Uh, security?"

"The noises are bothering other guests, so we require either your interference, or we have to step in ourselves."

Robbery. Fighting. These possibilities had barely begun running through his mind when Matt said, "No, I'll be right there." The phone was snapped shut and the blond took off down the street.

**oOoOoOo**

It was with great apprehension that he stood staring at the door to their hotel room. As far as he could tell, there was no sound coming from inside, but this only served to worry him more. The seconds began to tick by, his heart rate rising steadily.

What if...

The sound of a nearby door slamming open made him whip around in surprise, back pressed against the wall. His eyes were met with quite an unsightly creature. She was short and stocky, all sharp lines despite her fat. Narrow, beady eyes and an unsmiling mouth made up her face. In a way, she reminded him of his highschool history teacher—"everything must be the way it is because I say so."

He was about to turn away when the woman's eyes caught his. A frown appeared on her face, "Are you the one staying in that room?" Her voice was that of a haughty, egotistical, my-way-or-the-highway type of lady—grating and critical.

Matt didn't want to answer, but nonetheless let out a "Yeah."

"Well then," the woman's eyes narrowed further, "I suggest you stop throwing glass around or, heaven help me, I'll get the police involved! Honestly, one should think you were abusing your girlfriend in there!"

"Huh?" He blinked dazedly, completely blown away from being accused of a crime he didn't commit by a woman he didn't know!

With one last warning look, the woman waddled away, leaving behind utterances of "Stupid abusive foreigners. Oughta send someone in just to see if they aren't harbouring bombs!"

Robbery... a fight... broken glass... Matt's last hesitations were whisked away when he put the pieces together to realise what the hotel manager had been talking about. Hand gripping the doorknob like a vice, he took a deep breath, swiped his card key and threw open the door. His entire body was rigid with vigilance as he glanced around, scouting for damage.

The main room was deceptively normal; a pile of clothes that neither of them had gotten around to washing. The couch blanket that he sometimes curled up under when Tai was sleeping. His computer idly sitting in standby, _not_ stolen. Everything seemed normal...

Which meant something _had_ to be wrong.

And that something would be in one of two places: his room, or the kitchen.

_Broken glass_... He forced himself to move, one hesitant footstep at a time. Closer, closer the kitchen doorway drew; he could see the table, something on top of it glittering in the light. It took three more steps for Matt to realise he was looking at shards of broken glass. But if there had been any doubt, it was now blatantly erased by the sight of his boyfriend.

His heart stopped, fear making his breath come in a gasp. There Tai sat, still as a porcelain doll and looking just as delicate. He was leaning up against the cupboards in what looked like a deep sleep. That would have been fine if it weren't for the glass all around him, some tainted with a bright red substance Matt wished he'd never seen. The boy would've looked peaceful sitting like that if it weren't for the blood on his hands and legs.

Matt carefully picked his way through the minefield of sharp objects until he was able to crouch in front of Tai. Blue eyes held painful regret as they traced over dark circles and cracked lips. Past the baggy shirt and frail wrists. Had he really never noticed?

Ever so gently, he raised a hand, brushing away the errant chocolate bangs. He'd forgotten... forgotten just how good it felt to run his fingers through Tai's soft hair. He couldn't stop his hand from trailing down, coming to rest on the warm lips he hadn't kissed in far too long.

"Tai?" he whispered, afraid to speak any louder.

A groan answered him as Tai stirred. Deep brown eyes slid open, seemingly unfocused. Matt felt like he was being looked right through until finally, comprehension dawned on Tai's face. A torrent of emotion passed over tired features, flickering from surprise, to anger, to joy, to confusion, to—

Fear. Poorly disguised, undeniable fear.

"Tai?" Matt tried again, removing his hand to give the other distance.

"H-hey Yama," he whispered back, "Didn't hear you get home."

Matt was torn—part of him screamed "find out what's wrong!" while the other part was afraid of the answer. He _knew_ that he was the problem, that he'd hurt his boyfriend. He _knew_ that it was his fault, but he still didn't want it said to his face. A small voice in his head kept saying they didn't need to talk about what happened, they could just go back to the way things were. Maybe he could even change.

Firmly, Matt told this lying voice to shut up; things weren't going to get better unless he faced this problem _now_.

Cautiously, he stood up, reaching out a hand suggestively. Tai stared at that hand for a moment, silent, until he faithfully put his own on top, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. A few sharp twinges of pain made his brows furrow—when had he gotten those cuts?—before he shrugged it off, focussing instead on the warm hand surrounding his.

When they were finally out of the dangerous kitchen, Matt stopped, still not turning.

Tai winced, knowing exactly what would come next. He'd meant to clean up the kitchen long before Matt got home, but he didn't think the blond would come back so soon! And he was just so tired nowadays, it had been too easy simply to slump against the cupboards and let sleep take his fears away. The _last_ thing he'd wanted was for Matt to see him like this. To see him with no control.

Just as he expected, Matt began to talk, "Are you hurt?"

Tai shrugged slightly, ignoring the fact that Matt couldn't see it. The house was eerily quiet, even more so than it was when Tai was home alone, impossible as it seemed. The very air itself was holding its breath, making the pounding of Tai's heart ring in his ears. Words were running through his head; things he wanted to say, things he wanted to hear. He didn't want to have to initiate any of them. Maybe... maybe he'd subconsciously hoped for Matt to find him, and realise that things couldn't continue this way forever.

And then, ever so slowly, Matt turned around, piercing him with intense blue eyes. The blond opened his mouth—

—but clamped it shut seconds later, a scowl on his face.

Tai sighed softly, "Nevermind, Yama, I'm fine."

"No you're not!" Matt nearly cried, "I know it's not fine, but—argh! Why didn't you say anything?"

Completely taken aback, Tai replied with the first thing that came to mind, "I didn't think I had to!"

"You expected me just to _know_? To instantly realise that something's wrong?"

Suddenly furious, Tai wrenched his hand away. "No," he hissed, "but seeing as everyone_ else_ figured it out—"

"Of course I knew I was a problem," Matt cut in, his face twisted into a kind of grimace, "I knew I was a terrible boyfriend, but I didn't think... I didn't know... how far it had gotten..." His voice, once as angry as Tai's, had faded to insecurity. It was these very thoughts that he'd tried to avoid for so long!

Tai, for all that he loved Matt and wanted him to be happy, couldn't stop himself from pushing past his boyfriend and walking away, livid. He'd tried so hard to make Matt realise that their relationship didn't have to fall apart like all of his other ones! He'd tried to make it clear that no matter what, he wouldn't leave! So why did it all have to be thrown back in his face?

"Tai!"

"What?" Tai whipped around, staring at Matt with pained eyes.

Matt took a deep breath, his hands clenched at his sides, and asked, "If it bothered you so much, why didn't you do something?"

He was about to fire back an answer, but the look in Matt's eyes made him freeze. There was more than just hesitation and worry hiding in the vibrant blue eyes. There was also fear. The same fear that Tai had read on that fateful drunken night. The same fear that made him realise Matt's true feelings when they'd finally confessed their love so long ago. Which meant...

He still cares.

Tai let the fight fade out of his body, "I don't know, Yama. I just... I didn't want to drive you away."

"I wouldn't have—"

"You already were!" Tai cried desperately, arms snaking around his stomach as if to hold the emotions in, "You kept going to some other guy!" –Matt visibly flinched- "You started doubting, and I didn't know what else to do to make you realise that I wouldn't just walk out on you!"

Slowly, things began to click in Matt's mind. All those waiting meals, every night when Tai was still awake, each forgiving smile... He'd worried that Tai never cared about him going out with other guys because he never showed any sign of it bothering him. He'd figured their relationship was over, and Tai was just waiting to be let free.

"But you... why? Why wouldn't you want to drive me away? Why—"

"Honestly, Yama! Why do you think? I love you, idiot!" Tai couldn't keep his eyes narrowed for long before he had to look away, his anger failing him. He heard Matt's whispered words, but it only hurt him more. He didn't want to have to forgive unless it meant things would change, but at the same time—

Tai took a deep breath, exhaling it in a dramatic huff, "We need a therapist."

Matt snorted reproachfully, "What good do they do? They hack into minds and make you basically talk to yourself."

"Exactly; they make you talk. I think what we need to do is talk."

Matt's eyes widened. Those were the dreaded words that begin every tragic modern-day break-up story. _We need to talk_. That's like saying _I'm sick of this, so let's move on._ It was the very thing he feared, despite Tai saying that he still loved him.

_Wait_—why did Tai say he still loved him if he was planning to break up anyway?

This thought triggered Matt's anger and, before he could stop himself, he was full-out glaring at the other. "If you wanted this relationship over, why are you still here toying with my emotions?" he growled.

Like a tree in a hurricane, Tai finally snapped.

"Toying with _your_ emotions?" Chocolate brown eyes flashed dangerously. "I swear, Yamato Ishida, if I didn't love you more than life itself, I would rip your head off for that." Matt forced back a flinch, completely taken by surprise to see this side of Tai. Despite seeing this, Tai couldn't bring himself to stop, "Do you know how much it hurts to be doubted by the one person you care about most? Or to be accused of not caring, not wanting things to work out?"

"Tai, I—"

"No, Matt. Not until I'm done," Tai nearly hissed. "I do love you. I always have, and even though you seem determined to see the worst, I still want to be your boyfriend. I gave up soccer to follow your dreams, I pushed my sister away so that she wouldn't hunt you down and kill you for cheating on me, and do you know why I did all of that?"

Matt was dead silent, his mind warring between being defensive and admitting he was wrong. In such silence, Tai felt his anger being smothered, eaten away by guilt and sadness and resignation. He tried for one last glare before he abruptly turned and stalked away, going straight into the bedroom. The door slammed shut behind him, leaving only the emptiness of being alone. The emotional roller coaster he'd been riding for months came to a halt, dumping him into indifference. He just didn't want to care anymore.

When Matt finally came to the realisation that he should go to his boyfriend, he found Tai sitting on the bed, knees tucked up and head buried. Hesitantly, he made a spot for himself as far away from Tai as he could without being on the floor. Tai didn't even look up at the added weight. Hands gripping the bed sheets nervously, Matt finally let what he was feeling make itself into words.

Starting with; "I'm sorry." His voice was small; a testament to how much courage this was taking him. "I never wanted to hurt you, but I also never wanted to _be_ hurt. I didn't want to feel like I have no control. I knew I was being stupid, but... after a while, when you were always right there waiting, I realised _I_ was the weak one, the one who would hurt our relationship. But I..."

Here he had to take a breath to calm his shaking voice. Then; "I felt like I couldn't fix things, because I was the source of the problem all along. I was so worried you would leave, so I tried to stay in control, but—" He closed his bright sapphire eyes, "I hurt you, and I don't know what to do."

"Forgive yourself," came a muffled voice, barely audible.

"Huh?"

Tai poked his head up, eyes solemn. "You can't expect me to forgive you if you don't forgive yourself."

"But I—"

"I want things to change, Yama," Tai whispered, cutting the other off, "I want to trust you and be trusted again. I don't _want_ you feeling like crap. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that you're happy."

The sincerity of the soft voice caught Matt off guard, and he could only stare into deep brown eyes. _Trust_... He saw the brightness of unshed tears welling up, and the small shivers that coursed through the other's body. Not of cold, but of fear and nervousness. The same fear that coursed through his own body. But where did this fear come from? Was it based on reality, or merely a figment of his imagination?

Did he really have to fear Tai leaving him?

Slowly, cautiously, he reached out a hand, ghosting over tanned cheeks and damp eyes. It had been so long since he really touched Tai... He felt the other lean into his touch, the chocolate eyes closing. So long...

"I'm sorry," he murmured, pulling Tai into a desperate embrace. He was so small and thin... so warm... so solid.

Equally as quiet, Tai replied with a tiny, "I know."

**oOoOoOo**

It would be nearly a week later that Kari called Mimi back and said, "It looks like the child has finally realised his toy won't be disappearing any time soon."

**OoO**

Owari~

A/N: I tried really hard to make the point that it's just as much Tai's fault for not saying anything as it is Matt's (without ruining my whole theme/point). Hopefully it kind of worked...?

~Neko


End file.
